Why am I depressed, Aaron? What do I do about it? If my learning doesn’t have to be painful, why is it painful? I think I’m paying attention, but there’s still all this pain.
Aaron: My dear ones, you are light. Each thing seeks its own kind: light seeks light, darkness seeks darkness, joy seeks joy, and sorrow seeks sorrow. When you’re fully able to enter into the experience of yourselves as light, everything seems light around you. You know yourself to be part of that source of all love, call it God or whatever you prefer.
If you have a beautiful, flowering houseplant with lush, green leaves, and you put it in a dark closet and forget about it for several weeks, what happens to it? Open the door and pour in some water, but give it no light. Will it thrive? Each of you take yourselves off for hours or even for days at a time, and shut yourselves off into dark closets. Your fear and anger are walls that enclose you and shut off the light. Then you ask me: “Why am I depressed?” How can the light get through?
What is this darkness? Your fear is opaque. It assumes a solidity. We have talked about anger and greed as manifestations of fear, and about how hard you find it to have compassion for this dear being who is afraid. When fear arises it is followed by judgment, “I shouldn’t be afraid.” Then the fear is suppressed and you move into anger or greed with the same “I shouldn’t …” By this time the light is thoroughly walled out.
It is not the emotions that bring the darkness, but your reaction to them. To feel heavy emotions and have compassion for the dear being that you are, in pain, does not block light but invites it. To feel heavy emotions and dwell in those without awareness shuts out all light as effectively as if you were the plant in a closet.
Connection reconfirms light. Separation enhances darkness. When judgment against feelings arises, it separates you from yourself, and of course, from the light.
Can you begin to see the depression not as a cause, but as a symptom, so that you begin to recognize the process, “I’m depressed, I need light.” Perhaps that recognition can lead you to see the walls of fear, anger, shame, jealousy, judgment or greed with which you’ve surrounded yourself, and ask yourself, “How can I open some windows, and allow light in here?” You CAN do that, but in order to do it, you’ve first got to recognize that the shades have been drawn, that the walls have gone up. For many of you, THAT is the most difficult thing to do. The judgment is so thick! The darkness becomes an illusion of a safe hideaway.
Why is it so difficult? If we are beings of light that yearn for the full experience of light, what is this attraction to darkness? In your pain, you seek that which will confirm your feelings. When anger arises in you and you judge that in yourself, saying “I’m no good, I shouldn’t be feeling anger,” that “I’m no good” seeks to confirm itself through experience. It actually makes you reach out and find those experiences that prove, “Yes! See? I really am no good.”
As you judge your heavy emotions and deepen the anger at yourselves, the walls get thicker. There is not even a glimmer of light allowed to shine within.
We have spoken of this safe tunnel you hide in, putting up strands of protection in the doorway. They wall out all that you fear would harm you, and thus serve to defend, but they also wall out the light. For example, feeling another’s judgment, you move into anger. It protects from the pain of feeling judged and from all the self judgment there has been. It also separates you from yourself and the one who judged, and blocks the light.
You can begin to dissolve these protective strands of anger, greed and so forth. You must do it with utmost gentleness, recognizing that each has been raised for a purpose of defense. You need not tear them all down and stand naked and vulnerable in the blazing sun. That action would be a brutality to yourself. Slowly you acclimate yourself to that light so it warms but does not burn.
Work gently, lifting one at a time and examining it. What is this fear? What is this jealousy? Do I still need this judgment? Might I not lift it from the doorway and leave it here beside me? I can replace it if necessary, and can see how it feels to allow that light to enter, the light of truth.
There is desire for the light. Is there also fear of it? Is there still clinging to the darkness for protection? Do I hide my soft and vulnerable heart behind anger, jealousy or greed?
What if you really are as good and beautiful as I keep telling you you are? Many of you felt a bit of fear as I said that. Can you start to see what that fear is about? You have each experienced the pain of rejection and defeat so many times. There is such yearning for that light. The thickness of the armor in which you have imprisoned the heart bespeaks the sensitivity of that heart. How badly it has been wounded to seek such heavy protection. How soft and vulnerable it is.
It becomes less painful to find the light unattainable to begin with than to reach yet again and experience defeat. It is the process of “You can’t fire me; I quit.” You defend yourself by wrapping yourself yet again in your fear and wearing it as a shield.
Each of your souls yearns to move fully back into that light, to reexperience that which truly is your birthright. And yet, each of you knows, with deep wisdom, that you have work to do, and that’s why you’re here. So you move into a misunderstanding where you see the light, and the very pain of your yearning causes you to push it away. It is the “Dark Night of the Soul.” Then you create situations to prove to yourself, “I’m not good enough to be in that light”-that precious light which you so desire and without which you wither away. It is a very poignant human predicament.
Can you begin to notice depression when it arises, and see it as a symptom of your yearning to move back fully into the knowledge of connection with light, rather than as proof of your separation from light? There’s such a world of difference in that, because when you see it as a symptom of your love, it immediately opens the window shade. Maybe just a crack, but enough to let sunlight come in. It reminds you of who you are.
Let us explore other factors in depression. Barbara just received a letter from a friend who said that every morning when she wakes up, she does a number of things to remind herself that she is an angel here in a human spacesuit. Depression is a symptom of the claustrophobia of that angel. One does feel hemmed in by this spacesuit at times. It feels unworkable. Nothing is as easy as it should be.
Somewhere, beyond the conscious mind, are real memories of the ease of moving in the light body, of the joy of being fully present with that light. Of course incarnation feels claustrophobic. Can it become a deeper reminder of who you are, and lead you into an appreciation of the perfectness of the journey? Even the depression, fear and anger are gifts to help you learn love.
There’s one more aspect of depression I’d like to talk about. When you are seeking to confirm the heavy judgment you’ve laid on yourself, and move yourself into increasingly difficult and painful situations, the heaviness of your anger invites in negativity. We’ve talked about this many times.
There are beings of positive and negative polarization on all planes. And there are what we call mischievous spirits, not beings that are very dark, but beings, on the astral plane who are a bit bored. They’re young souls, for the most part; they like to mix in. Your negativity is an invitation to them.
There are beings that are deep in misunderstanding and feed on anger and pain. Your own anger and fear truly invites them in. So that when you move into depression, it’s like opening the door and saying: “Come on, all the negativity; welcome, we’re having a party.”
Now, I’m not suggesting that you say: “I shouldn’t be feeling depressed; I’m not going to let in negativity!” because that in itself is already negative. When you’re feeling depressed, somewhere you have got to open a windowshade.
Perhaps you could have a set of Groucho Marx glasses and mustache and you could go and look at yourself in the mirror. Just stand there and stare at yourself for five or ten minutes until, finally, you have to laugh. “Am I taking myself too seriously?” Anything to lighten the moment, to begin to penetrate the density of these walls that you’re pulling around yourself, that separate you from the light.
You humans have very short memories. As soon as that light is cut off, it’s GONE. It’s so hard to remind yourself: “I really am an angel in a spacesuit, and I really am more connected to spirit than I am to this body.”
Think about the ways that you can bring lightness in when you’re emerged in darkness. Each of you will find different ways that will work for you. One finds it wonderful to go outside in the sunshine and take a walk, to reconnect with trees, grass and flowers. Another of you may find that outlet by listening to music, or exercising your body in rhythmic ways; dancing, doing yoga, playing ball. A third may seek loving companionship. There’s no one outlet.
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When you are feeling depressed please remind yourself of that pot of flowers that’s been put in the closet. Ask yourself: “Wouldn’t I, in compassion, bring that pot of flowers out into the sunshine? Can I not do at least that much for myself?” On other related blogs, checkout this blog about marijuana rehabilitation.